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The rebel years are over. The phase of contradiction and compulsive behavior comes to a grinding but definitive halt. The act of pure impulse sometimes becomes impossible.

Youre older.

I must admit, even in front of my own parents, I have admitted that I have been nothing short of a hell-raiser. Running away from home, staying over at boyfriends face, kicking the hell out of my own sister, engaging in drunken cat-fights with friends, fist-fighting with my brother, word-battles with my father, thinking I was right when I was irrefutably wrong..the list can go on.

Whatever a daughter can do wrong, I did.

But these are the activities, decisions, and memories that have helped shape me into the person that I am today. I have 2 wonderfully amazing and perfect boys to call my own. They look up to me, adore me and even when I think I am a little psycho, they think I am hilarious! The innocence..I am not yet a perfect person today but I can proudly say that I have become closer to perfect....in my personal opinion, that is. Age does this to people.

When people think I should keep a job, I left it. When people think I should not be in a relationship, I engaged in. When people thought I should just shut up, I spoke up. When people thought I should be more feminine, I kick out and punch around like a crazy woman on drugs! When people thought I should forgive, I am revengeful. When people think I should forget, I remember. Gosh, when people think I should remember (like where I placed my keys), I dont.

With that said, I look at my own parents and wonder how many of my decisions have made them into the older people that they are. How many of my rebellions have added an extra crease to their foreheads? How many of my shouting matches have given my parents wrinkles and white hairs? Only when youre older, you realize that Heck, I wasnt such a smartass, was I? and there I was, all of 16, thinking I was adult-enough to make my own decisions.

If I had a daughter like me, I would have done things to her (and/or myself) that I will live to regret!Thankfully, I dont. I dont have a daughter, period!! (Someone up there loves me, after all)

I spoke very briefly on the phone with my aging and lonely grandmother today and this blog is a result of that conversation.

To say I have regretted my actions and decisions when I was younger is an understatement. We all dont know how long she has to live on this planet anymore but one thing is for sure, it wont be for long. Oh, shes not really ill or anything. Shes happy (in a very lonely kind of way) and healthy (in an old kind of way) but she certainly has her own regrets as well. I guess a lot of the things that I did in the past were uncalled for and when she did things out of the goodness of her heart, I wasnt appreciative because I was too self-centered and obnoxious. I ruled the world, didnt I?

I dont know how long more the tenure of her stay here on earth has before it expires, but I hope she will take good memories with her down or up to wherever shes going after the expiration of her stay here.

Thank you, ah mah.